Memorandum
by RedHatMeg
Summary: During one of his voyages Yondu Udonta encounters man named Memorandus, who claims that he can help him put his demons to the rest. Yondu decides to go through the therapy. Will he be able to bury his tribe once and for all, or will his own mind distroy him? LAST CHAPTER IS UP!
1. The chance

**I've got this idea yesterday. The story contains my headcanon regarding Yondu's backstory.**

**Edit: Let's play a little game. What do you think the title means?**

**The chance**

Abandoned spaceships, drifting in space were – for obvious reasons – creepy. The chances of encountering one were very rare, because if your ship was damaged in the middle of space, you either evacuate yourself and come back with help, or just try to repair the damages on your own. After all, mechanics and spare parts were kept on this ship for a reason.

Either way, if you could help it, you wouldn't leave a whole spaceship just like that. And if you would, then it meant that said spaceship was going to be utterly destroyed, anyway.

This one was rusty and bumped up, yes, but other than that – looked good. And Yondu knew it was abandoned, because it wasn't moving at all from its spot and there was no attempts of contact or running away, therefore – the ship's crew didn't seem to notice the Ravagers' ship coming to them. The Ravagers encountered abandoned ships only couple of times in their long criminal career. Sometimes they found something interesting there like food, fuel or spare parts, but sooner or later they were learning why this particular spaceship was abandoned (decease, corruption of metal, the ship being a mass graveyard…) and they were leaving it as soon as possible.

Abandoned spaceships were good only for one thing – looting.

So the Ravagers were going to enter the ship in front of them, quickly check, if there was something worth taking, and come back. And since Yondu had realized long time ago that his crew (Kraglin included; when it comes to mechanics, he could be hopeless) could sometimes get lost while looting, the Centaurian decided to go with them personally and leave Kraglin at charge, until he will come back.

The starship was half the size of their own, so it was pretty big. When Yondu and some of his men entered it, it looked quite clean and taken care of – no rust, no fungus, no signs of neglect. That was the first signal that something wasn't right.

Yondu split his men into two groups and sent them in two directions, in approximately not-very-long distance from each other. If anything bad was going to happen, they could easily regroup and run for their lives. He was standing in the middle and waiting for his men to find something interesting. His eyes were moving from one corridor to the other. Why they were so neat? Was he wrong about this ship being abandoned? Then why it was just drifting there, when they approached it? Why nobody even tried to contact them? Were the people living there aware of the Ravagers and therefore afraid of them? Or maybe it was something else.

His musings were cut by the sudden appearance of a figure on the other side of the corridor. The figure was long and lean, and wore a dark robe. It had also a round, bald head. For the moment the stranger and Yondu were looking at each other, and then the alien turned left, without even saying anything to the Centaurian. Yondu frowned and quickly run towards the figure, calling:

"Hey, you! Come back!"

His men quickly gathered in the corridor and ran after their leader, but he didn't care. He just sprinted to the end of the corridor and turned left, like the stranger before. He immediately found himself in another hallway, this time shorter and with pair of doors on both sides. There was also one door at the end of the corridor, in front of Yondu.

Few seconds later the Ravagers joined their captain. For a moment Yondu was thinking what to do. First, he decided to check the more peaceful solution.

"Come on! Get out!" He called. "As long as you won't attack us, you're safe! We can even take you to civilization for the right prize!" He smiled, saying the last sentence.

Silence. There was no response from the mysterious stranger.

"Are you sure, Yondu, there is somebody here?" Asked one of his men.

"Yes, I am." The Centaurian growled and looked at him in a way that made the guy nervous. "Are you implying that I'm crazy?"

"No, not at all." Said the Ravager.

Yondu turned to the corridor in front of him and called once again:

"You know, it's kind of rude to not reply, when someone is talking to you! Also, we are your guests, haven't you heard of thing called hospitality?"

Still there was no response.

"Okay, I'm done being nice." Said Yondu.

He turned to his men and ordered them to check the doors on the sides, while he himself directed towards the one in the middle. Just in case that there could be some trap on the other side, when he opened the door, he quickly hid behind the wall next to it. When after couple of seconds nothing seemed to happen, Yondu finally entered the room.

What he saw was very peculiar. The room was filled with various plants, making the whole place oddly green. The plants were lit by the halogen lights above. For a moment Yondu thought that some of those plants looked very familiar…

In the middle of the room, stroking large leafs of some kind of bush, was standing the bald alien, Yondu had seen earlier. It was a man, Yondu was almost certain of it, due to his sharp features. His skin was pale, almost grey, his beady, black eyes seemed to be oddly warm, when focused on the plant in front of him. He wore a dark green robe.

Yondu cleared his throat, but the alien only glanced at him and went right back to looking at the bush.

"My name is Yondu Udonta." A bit annoyed Centaurian introduced himself. "I'm the captain of the Ravagers and…"

"I know, who you are." The alien finally turned to Yondu.

His voice was calm, soothing even. He smiled to his guest lightly and clicked something on the nearest wall. The door to the plant room has closed behind Yondu.

"I hoped to find you in this part of the galaxy." The alien said.

Yondu raised his eyebrows with surprise, but then he frowned. The guy looked suspicious. The Centaurian was going to call his men, but the alien in front of him said with another smile:

"Don't worry, I'm here to help you."

"Oh, yeah? It looks like you have something to hide."

The alien approached the Ravagers' captain and curtseyed in front of Yondu to the surprise of the Centaurian. When he looked at his guest, he said:

"My name is Memorandus. And the starship you're currently in is called 'Memorandum'." Then he came back to the bush he was looking at before. Not glancing at Yondu, Memorandus spoke again: "Mister Udonta, I'm a well known intergalactic specialist in psychology. My lifetime goal is to help broken people overcome their psychological and emotional issues, so they can move on." He turned to Yondu. "And I am certain that you need my help."

"Wrong address." Yondu smirked, but then got serious. "I don't need a treatment." _Besides, you're creeping me out_, he added in his mind.

"You think so, mister Udonta?" Memorandus sent him another light smile. "So the suicidal thoughts stopped already? You don't want to die, because of memories of your tribe?"

Yondu's eyes widened, before he frowned and looked at Memorandus with cold gaze.

"How did you know about…?"

"I am familiar with your case, because a good friend of yours informed me about it." Explained the gray-skinned alien. "He knows that I am professional and my methods are effective. He too was my patient for a while. Just like his four friends."

Yondu started to think. Someone, he knows… Someone with four friends…

The sudden realization hit him.

"Quill." He hissed and looked at Memorandus even more coldly. "What did you do to him?"

"Nothing bad, I assure you." The gray alien said. "He's safe and sound, just like the other Guardians of the Galaxy. They needed help and they got it. Then Star-Lord asked me to also help you with your inner demons."

"How would I know, you're not lying and they're not imprisoned on this very ship?"

"You can always scan it in search for life forms." Memorandus prompted. "Or check my records. You can also just call Star-Lord. I'm sure, he will appreciate the concern."

Memorandus opened the door and Yondu could see that his men were already in the hallway. He exited the room and called Kraglin.

"How many life forms, you've found?" He asked when his first mate scanned the starship.

"_Aside from you, only one, behind you._"

"It's guy, who calls himself Memorandus. He says, he's a psychologist."

"_Really?_" Kraglin chuckled. "_And what he's doing here, on his own, instead of some nice, warm cabinet?_"

Yondu hesitated for a moment, but then he decided that getting Kraglin to know won't hurt.

"It seems that he was looking for us. He says, he treated Quill and his little crew, and that kid asked him to treat me."

"_It sounds very suspicious. Hold on, I will make a call with 'Milano'._"

He disconnected. For a couple of minutes Yondu waited for Kraglin to call him back and tell him what he learned. The Centaurian suspected that Quill didn't know Memorandus and even if he did, Kraglin will spot some shades of brainwashing in kid's behavior. Yondu had nothing against psychologists, it's a profession like anything else, but the gray-skinned alien was just too weird, to be only random doctor stranded in this part of galaxy.

When Yondu finally heard the sound of incoming call, he thought that it was about time.

"Well?" He asked Kraglin.

"_It seems that kid really encountered guy named Memorandus, who's a psychologist. He says that, and I quote: 'dude has very unique methods and you might think, he's a bit psychotic, but in the end you can learn a lot from him.'_"

"Have you noticed something suspicious about Quill? Any signs of brainwashing?"

"_Well, he kept telling me that Memorandus' therapy is hardcore and if you're very delicate, you can end up with worse condition than you came in. So I guess, he hasn't been brainwashed._"

A moment of silence. Yondu was musing about this whole situation. The kid at the same time was assuring them that Memorandus' methods are great and warned them that therapy might be dangerous. If he was brainwashed, he would be all for the treatment. He also wouldn't say that Memorandus is psychotic.

"Did you make up your mind?"

Yondu looked at Memorandus, who was standing in the doorframe and watching the Centaurian with a smile. The rest of the Ravagers turned to the psychologist, giving him hostile looks.

"I can make them go away, you know. I can… no… _we_ can give you peace of mind."

Yondu somehow understood what Memorandus meant by _them_. The unwanted images flashed before his eyes. The images that were haunting him from this very day, when he had to rapidly grow up.

"See," Memorandus went on. "the problem is that you're not facing your past properly. You keep running away from it, so it follows you."

"Oh, yeah, smartass?" Yondu asked coldly.

Then he whistled and soon Memorandus had Yaka arrow pointed at his throat. Surprisingly for Yondu and his men, he remained calm. He looked at the Centaurian.

"Oh, the aggression… obvious sign of the unresolved emotional issues."

"I don't have the unresolved issues." Yondu hissed. "I'm fine."

"From what I've heard from mister Quill, you have multiple, mister Udonta." Memorandus replied. "Guilt, self-loathing, suicide thoughts, sometimes even hallucinations that are the manifestation of those feelings." He saddened. "The Zatoan tribe haunts you, because you think, you failed them, mister Udonta. Together, we can put them to rest. I can make you free. But I warn you" He raised his finger. "this will be a long, painful journey and in the end everything will depend on you."

Another moment of silence. The Ravagers were observing their captain with interest, while Yondu was thinking through Memorandus' offer. One part of him was against it. He wasn't crazy and he needed no therapy. He was somehow doing fine for all those years without "therapy" and he certainly will be fine without it now. So he should rob the guy and show him that you don't mess with Yondu Udonta.

But the other part actually _wanted_ to try this "therapy" thing. He spent lots of sleepless nights and quiet days thinking about his deceased tribe. About his family, friends and whole village slaughtered by the Brotherhood of Badoon. About their ghosts coming to him in the moments of solitude.

The last of Zatoan tribe. A coward, who couldn't protect his people and who didn't even avenge them. They always were making him feel vulnerable and worthless. They were making him want to die. Because what was the point of being the Ravager and having his own crew, when your people thought of you as a coward? What was the point of new life, when the old one was coming back and reminding you about those left behind?

Yondu realized that he was still connected with Kraglin.

"What do you think, Kraglin?" He asked his first mate. "What should I do?"

"_You will do as you wish,_" Kraglin started. "_but I think you should try._"

Oh, Kraglin… Dear, wonderful Kraglin, with whom Yondu spent countless nights trying to fill the horrible silence… The whole crew knew about the Zatoan tribe and they kind of understood how his captain felt about it, but Kraglin was the one, who seemed to understand Yondu the most. Not because of similar experiences, but because he actually seen the pain of his best friend many times. As the closest person to Yondu, he got to know his demons and their affect on the Centaurian. Even if he didn't see them.

That was why he advised Yondu to take that chance.

But Kraglin was also cautious. He wouldn't advise going to the doctor, if he wasn't sure if it work. Yondu learned to trust his first mate like anyone else. And since Kraglin thought Yondu should try, then it wasn't such a bad idea.

The blue alien looked at the gray one. He whistled the arrow back to his belt. Memorandus gave a sigh of relief. Yondu asked:

"Let me make myself clear: if you try to do anything stupid, my men will eat you alive. And if there will be no results, I will personally rip you apart. Do you understand, sawbones?"

"So I assume, you decided to try the therapy?" Memorandus smiled.

"Do you understand, what I just said?!" Yondu asked, raising his voice.

"Yes, I do, mister Udonta." Said the psychologist, remaining calm. "I am aware of my current predicament. But the therapy won't be easy for you, so I have to ask one last time: Are you sure, you want to try it?"

"Yes!" Yondu exclaimed. "Yes, I do! Move along!"

"Very well." Memorandus replied calmly. "Please, come with me, mister Udonta."

He led Yondu and his men to a room with lots of machines and an armchair in the middle. Above the armchair was hanged some wired helmet. There were also bonds on the armrest, probably for safety purposes.

Memorandus came to the computer and started to write something on keyboard. Then he turned to Yondu and said:

"Please, take a sit." He pointed the armchair.

A bit hesitantly, but Yondu did as he was told. Just like he suspected, when he sat on the armchair, Memorandus took the helmet and put it on his patient's head. He wired something to his temples, before adjusting the helmet to Yondu's skull, careful with the cybernetic Mohawk. Then he proceeded with bonds on arms. The Centaurian felt uneasiness rising inside of him, but he didn't say anything.

When Memorandus finished his work, he rested his hand on Yondu's shoulder and made him lean comfortably on the armchair.

"Now I will give you medicine that will make you sleep, mister Udonta. You will be sleeping for two hours and then wake up. This machine," Memorandus pointed out the computer behind him. "will take you to the subconscious level of your psyche. What you will see, you might not like, but this is important for the therapy." He suddenly smiled and tapped Yondu's arm. "Don't worry, mister Udonta. When you finally get there, you will know what to do."

He brought to Yondu some pill and water. Yondu let himself be fed with it, still a bit nervous. Some part of him wanted to get away, but since he already agreed on therapy, he was going to get through it.

Anything to finally stop _them_ from coming…

He felt sleepy. It was actually a pretty nice feeling. So relaxing and comforting… He let himself fall asleep. He let himself dream. The warm blackness enveloped him and Yondu lost consciousness.

* * *

He found himself reliving his worst nightmare.

He was once again standing in his burned village and he once again saw his own tribe lying dead on the ground. He quickly recognized his family, friends, neighbors among the motionless bodies, and he felt how his heart was sinking. The silence was bombarding his ears with the horrible emptiness and lack of any kind of sounds, indicating that maybe, just _maybe_ he wasn't the only survivor…

But the truth was that he was the only survivor. Aside from him, there was no living soul in this whole village.

And then he heard the soft crack of someone's foot stepping on the branch. The sound was coming from his hut. Yondu felt how something inside him was growing. There was someone in his old house. He wasn't alone after all.

With a smile on his face he quickly came to the place and looked inside. In the middle of the hut was standing a sixteen-year-old boy. He was dirty and had blood on his hands, clothes and knife behind belt – the signs that the boy returned from hunting. His red eyes were piercing Yondu with cold, almost hateful gaze. The more the Ravagers' captain was observing the boy, the more certain he was.

In front of him was standing his sixteen-year-old self.


	2. Past Me

**Past Me**

Million feelings passed through Yondu's mind as he was watching his younger self, standing in front of him. First there was astonishment (_What the hell? Why Teenage Me is here too?_), then a sudden realization (_Oh, that's right… It's in my head… Well, it kind of make sense that I see Young Me in this place._), then there was disgust (_Was_ _I really so scrawny as a teen?_) and then… then there was a string of sadness, as Yondu kept observing those red eyes that were, and at the same time weren't, his own.

He could clearly see the whole palette of emotions on the face of his younger version. None of those emotions were positive. The boy's gaze was piercing, heavy with its accusatory nature. He didn't have to say anything. The pure hatred in Young Yondu's eyes was telling the elder Centaurian everything. The more Young Yondu was watching him, the more Old Yondu felt ashamed.

The boy slowly approached his elder version and stopped right in front of Yondu, looking him in the eyes.

And then he spited on him. The Ravagers' captain felt the saliva on the right cheek, but his eyes were fixed on the kid in front of him.

Finally the Young Yondu decided to break the silence.

"So this is what I've become." His voice was hissing, oozing with contempt. "Not a warrior, not even a hunter… Just a dirty coward."

Normally Yondu would tell little brat to shut the hell up, but for some strange reason he couldn't say a word. In the meantime Young Yondu raised his voice.

"What have you done to avenge our tribe?! What have you done to make those bastards pay for what they did?! You dare to call yourself a man?! You're making me sick!"

He came closer to Yondu, forcing him to take few steps back. The older of the Centaurians kept backing away, while the younger one kept approaching him.

"If I knew I will become someone so pathetic; that I will be such a disgrace to my tribe, I would find the Brotherhood of Badoon and let them kill me."

Suddenly they were outside again, surrounded by dead bodies of their tribe. Both Yondus stopped. At first the older of the two thought that his boyish self will proceed with his rant, but Young Yondu turned his gaze off him and looked around. The expression on his face changed from hatred and anger into heartbreaking sorrow. His features softened, shoulders dropped and eyes… eyes started to shine from incoming tears that after a moment ran down his cheeks.

And then he started to slowly walk by the corpses, watching them carefully. When he stumbled upon his parents, his face was lit with determination as he ran to them and started to shake their bodies.

"Mother, mother… Please, wake up."

Yondu observed his younger self as the memories were overwhelming him. That was what happened when he discovered the slaughter of his village: a really stupid thought crossed his mind. A really foolish, naïve thought that maybe someone out there weren't dead, just unconscious.

But they were all gone.

And even though Old Yondu was standing few feet away, he could see how his other self was breaking apart; how he was screaming with pain, clinging to the bloody corpse of woman, who gave him life. For Old Yondu it was so weird. It was so very, _very_ weird to see that scene playing before his eyes. He was feeling his old grief over death of his family… but at the same time he felt like he was watching someone else crying over them. Like he was only observing as someone's world was breaking apart.

Then the weeping suddenly stopped. Young Yondu stood up and turned to his older self.

"Do they mean nothing to you?! Did you care so little about your own tribe that you let them die?!"

Old Yondu didn't say anything. Once again he found himself speechless.

He remembered that when he finally realized his tribe is dead, the next thought that crossed his mind was…

"You should _be_ here!" Young Yondu yelled in his direction. "You should fight alongside with them! After all, you're a man already! Men should protect their tribe! That's what they do! But you weren't here!" Another streams of tears ran dwon his cheeks. "You were merrily hunting in the woods! What kind of man are you?!"

The boy started to walk towards Yondu, his gaze was fierce and once again filled with hatred.

"It's all your fault! You're just a useless weakling, that's all! And because of your weakness, mother, father and everybody else are dead! The village was under attack and you let the Brotherhood Badoon slaughter them!"

Yondu felt the bitterness rising inside of him as he was listening to the boy's accusations. He wanted to say something, he really wanted to defend himself… but the truth was that he couldn't form words into sentences that would make sense. So he kept on being silent and listening Young Yondu's harsh speech.

Suddenly he felt an odd heaviness in his hand. Like he was holding something that wasn't there before. His eyes moved from his younger self to the thing in his hand and he found there a shovel. A moment later he realized that Young Yondu stopped his rant and was now standing in front of him.

Yondu was observing the shovel in his hand. What it was doing here? Why he was holding it? And then he heard birds circling above the village and he remembered.

He spent most of that fateful day crying over the Zatoan tribe, before he realized that they need to be buried or else the birds will eat their bodies. As much as he hated the thought of digging up the graves for the whole tribe, he knew he had to do it. He wasn't fighting for the village, he should at least give them the proper burial.

_Don't worry, mister Udonta. When you'll finally get there, you will know what to do._

Yes, he did. He had to bury the Zatoan tribe once again.

* * *

"Ah, mister Obfonteri, it's a pleasure to finally meet you." Said Memorandus, when Kraglin entered the room.

"Let's get this over with." The Ravagers' first mate looked serious. "How is Yondu doing?"

"As you can see," The psychologist moved aside to give Kraglin a better view on the monitor. "mister Udonta's mind returned to the memory of that day."

Kraglin's eyes moved on the monitor. He could make out the view of his captain standing few inches away from some dead Centaurian and deepening the shovel in the ground. The first mate quickly recalled Yondu's drunk confession about that fateful day. Right now he could actually _see_ the glimpse of that day. Yondu on the monitor seemed to be focused on his work, but Kraglin could imagine that this whole situation was making him feel uneasy at best.

Then he realized that – aside from Yondu – there is another living Centaurian. A young boy was standing in the distance and saying something, which Kraglin couldn't hear very well.

The Ravagers' second in command turned to Memorandus.

"Who's this kid behind Yondu? Is this another survivor?"

"Sure, in some sense…" Memorandus smiled, but then he got serious. "Sooner or later, the patient encounters the manifestation of their psyche. Whatever this manifestation says or do, it's a combination of feelings and thoughts of the patient."

For a moment Kraglin was silent. He was only observing Young Yondu. The view "manifestation of psyche" was small and barely visible, however Kraglin could see that Young Yondu wasn't very muscular and had a tribal clothes.

"I can make it bigger, if you want, mister Obfonteri." Memorandus spoke suddenly.

He clicked few buttons and the view on the screen gave a closer look on Young Yondu's face. The Ravagers' second in command felt melancholic, while observing the boy's features. So that's how Yondu looked like, when he was sixteen… It was kind of weird to see his captain as a youngster, after all they've met when Yondu was in his thirties. He was more tough, mature and went through a lot of serious shit since his teenage years. He was also going to went through a lot more, before he got to the point they were today.

But this boy – because it _was_ just a boy, after all – knew nothing about the trials the fate had prepared for him. This boy knew nothing about things he was going to see, hear and suffer. This boy knew only Centauri-IV and Zatoan tribe.

And he just learned that he was the only survivor of that tribe.

"Mister Obfonteri," Memorandus' calm voice cut Kraglin's musings and the first mate turned to the psychologist. "I have a proposition."

"What kind of proposition?" Kraglin asked, glancing at the monitor.

"There is another helmet in this machine. In case if the psychologist or someone close to the patient would like to come into the vision, as a, let's call it a 'guest', and say something to the patient."

"It sounds very risky." Kraglin commented. "Is it a bit unethical to enter into someone's head?"

Memorandus smiled.

"The 'guest' can't affect the vision in any other way than by words. Yes, it can be dangerous, after all words can trigger certain emotions… however, the 'guest' can't use his own mind to twist the vision, since the main mechanism works on patient's brain."

"Oh, I understand… I guess…" Said Kraglin. "And you want me to be the 'guest'?"

"Mister Quill informed me that you're mister Udonta's best friend. Therefore, I assume that, of all the Ravagers, you would be the best candidate for the 'guest'. Of course, only if you think, the intervention would be necessary."

"You're the psychologist here. _You_ should talk to the patient and know what to do."

"Yes, of course. But I'm only informing you about the possibility, mister Obfonteri. Now," He turned to the monitor. "let's turn up the volume a bit."

* * *

Yondu was digging the hole. He remembered digging to be a bit more tiresome work, but he guessed that he couldn't get physically tired in his own dream. When he began his task, for one moment the only sound was that of the shovel deepening in the ground… but then Young Yondu sat on the grass few feet away from his older version, and said:

"You probably don't even remember them, do you?"

Yondu froze in the middle of the work and looked at the boy.

"You don't remember how mother and father looked like. You don't remember grandmother's voice when she was singing lullabies to you. You don't remember the names of your close friends."

"No, I remember." Yondu spoke, for the first time in forever, but his voice was weak.

He returned to digging.

"But you want to forget them."

Young Yondu stood up and approached his older self, who didn't stop the work, but realized that his arms were shaking a bit. The boy leaned on the nearest tree, on Yondu's left.

"You think that the Ravagers will become your new tribe." The teenager said.

The older Centaurian stopped his work again, but this time he didn't even look at his younger counterpart.

"You think that you can replace the Zatoan tribe with bunch of thugs. You think that you can be their chief and that you will be happy once again." Young Yondu neared to the Old Yondu's ear and whispered with contempt: "You're pathetic."

The Ravagers' captain closed his eyes and bit his lip. There were times when he really thought about his crew as a sort of a tribe. There was the same feeling of unity and camaraderie as between Zatoan's chief, Yondu's father and other warriors. But there were also times, when he wondered if by calling the Ravagers his tribe, Yondu was betraying his people; if their spirits were looking at him and feeling anger because the last Zatoan found new friends and family. Maybe that was the real reason that they were coming to him at nights…

He opened his eyes and looked at his younger self.

"The Ravagers will never replace the Zatoan tribe. Every person is unique, therefore nobody can replace them, at least not entirely." He said calmly, hiding the rising feeling of sadness. "But the Ravagers are my crew. They are my friends and family."

"And look, what happened to the last friends and family you had." Young Yondu opened his arms. "Look how good you were in protecting your close ones. Look at their corpses."

Old Yondu turned his eyes away from the boy and he gazed at the bodies of his tribe scattered around the village. For a moment, for a split second he saw red-coated aliens lying among the Centaurians.

"You've already buried your own men." Young Yondu said. "You're going to forget about them too?"

Old Yondu shot him a cold glare.

"No, of course not!"

"Yes, you will forget them. Because you don't want them to haunt you in the night."

Yondu was angry. He didn't know why it took him so long, but he felt that he finally had a courage to talk back.

"Listen, you little brat…"

"In the end, you're no different from me!" The boy exclaimed. "You've had more than half of your lifetime to avenge your tribe! To track down the Brotherhood of Badoon and make them pay for what they did!" He then saddened and lowered his voice. "But you preferred to deliver things and fight for money. You're weak. You're pathetic. You're a coward. And you deserve to die."

Yondu gazed at his teenage self and felt like something was stinging his heart. For a moment there was only silence, then he finally returned to digging up the grave. Eventually, he spoke:

"Yes, I do. And you don't even know, how much I want to."

* * *

"This is not good." Kraglin turned to Memorandus. "Do something! You're supposed to help him, not make him more suicidal!"

"Mister Obfonteri, the key part of every therapy is patient's will to change." The psychologist was still calm. "Your captain has to fight with his worst enemy – himself. We can tell him many things, but he has to come to some realizations on his own."

For a moment Kraglin was speechless. He looked at the monitor, where Yondu – with the most grim and heartbroken expression, his first mate had ever seen – was digging.

"I can try to talk to mister Udonta," Memorandus started, turning Kraglin's attention on himself. "but I don't know him. And he won't trust me. Not the way, he trusts _you_, mister Obfonteri." He raised his chin and smiled. "Besides, I'm certain that you have few things to tell this young man."

He pointed at the monitor and Kraglin knew that Memorandus meant Young Yondu. Part of Kraglin wondered why the hell this so-called specialist in psychology wanted to leave the talking to him, but the other part actually wanted to obliged.

There were times when Kraglin was thinking about how sixteen-year-old Yondu must have felt, when he saw his dead tribe, and the Ravagers' first mate actually imagined that he was turning back in time and say things, Yondu should have heard that very day. Maybe if he would hear them back then, as a teenager, he wouldn't be haunted by memories as an adult.

Kraglin looked at Memorandus with the expression of pure determination.

"So where is this other helmet?"


	3. Past You

**The last chapter! In which Kraglin is an awesome friend!**

**In some parts of this story I was lazy. Sorry.**

**I've also learned the name of Ravagers' ship (thanks to my main man/gal, IronAmerica).**

**Maybe one day I will write prequel about Guardians of the Galaxy taking Memorandus' therapy.**

**Past You**

Yondu knew that he supposed to dig, but the words of his younger self was haunting him so much that he couldn't focus on the work. So he nailed the lower part of the shovel in the ground and his gaze rolled around the field. The sadness hit him even harder, as he was observing the dead bodies of his people scattered around the ground. He failed them. He failed them in a way that seemed to be unredeemable. He didn't avenge their deaths, he didn't even fight with the Badoon. They had every right to haunt him.

After a short moment the Zatoan tribe opened their eyes and slowly stood up. Their faces were emotionless, their eyes empty, as the still covered in blood Centaurians approached the Ravagers' captain.

Yondu wasn't scared or moved in any way by the fact that they were surrounding him. He had seen it many times during those sleepless nights on "Eclector" and now he felt only overwhelming sadness. His legs started to shake and the Centaurian fell on his knees. His hands were holding onto the shovel and he felt tired, so _very_ tired that he knew, whatever his tribe was going to do to him, he wouldn't resist. So he was just kneeling there waiting for what was going to happen.

That was the moment, when Kraglin came in. He appeared suddenly in the distance and – seeing his captain's predicament – quickly ran towards Yondu, who was just staring at him with astonishment, wondering why he had a vision of his first mate.

Kraglin realized it was worse than he originally thought. He quickly get through the thin hole between two dead, but still walking Centaurians and stopped at his captain's side. He tried his best to block them the way to Yondu, but there was too many of them. Kraglin gazed at Yondu. He looked like he had given up long time ago and now waited only for death. But he turned his eyes on his first mate and for a short moment Kraglin could swear that Centaurian wanted to apologize.

Suddenly the Zatoan tribe stopped. They didn't come closer to Yondu, nor did anything else. They were just standing in one place and looking at Yondu and Kraglin blankly. Something was telling the first mate that they stopped because he was here, at Yondu's side. And the consciousness of his captain didn't want to hurt Kraglin, since Kraglin was Yondu's best friend.

Yondu raised his gaze and looked around with obvious surprise. What was happening? His tribe was coming to him and now they stopped. He was so astonished that he didn't even stand up.

The eyes of the Ravagers' second in command turned to the teenager standing in the distance. Young Yondu seemed to be angry, but there was also another emotion, reflected only in his red eyes. When the gazes of Kraglin and Yondu's younger self met, the Ravagers' first mate saw it clearer than ever.

_I'm certain that you have few things to tell this young man…_

_Sooner or later, the patient encounters the manifestation of their psyche. Whatever this manifestation says or do, it's a combination of feelings and thoughts of the patient…_

Kraglin suspected it earlier and he was almost certain his suspicions are correct. Memorandus' words were confirming it further.

The Ravagers' first mate kneeled at his captain's side and comfortingly rested his hand on Yondu's shoulder, smiling lightly.

"I will take it from here. You just listen."

Then his expression changed to more serious. Kraglin stood up and directed towards Young Yondu. The older Centaurian observed with interest (and even a bit of fear), how his best friend was slowly approaching Yondu's teenage self. Finally Kraglin stopped and rested his hands on boy's shoulders. Young Yondu was surprised at first, but then his expression changed into more angry. However, Kraglin could still see this certain emotion in those red eyes. He actually had hard time believing that sixteen-year-old version of his captain was standing in front of him, but he kind of understood why Yondu's consciousness chose this particular form.

"Listen to me, kid." He started, looking Young Yondu in the eyes. "I want to tell you, who you'll become, when you grow up."

He could also feel the gaze of his captain on the back. Good. Yondu had to hear it too.

"You will grow up to be a brave man. A strong, tough man." Kraglin smiled lightly. "Some people will even say that the man, you'll become, is a good man too."

"No, he's a coward. A pathetic weakling." Young Yondu's eyes were fierce.

"I know, why you're saying that." Kraglin told him and started tackling up his left sleeve. "You're lost and you're filled with grief. But look here." He leaned his left arm towards the teen, showing him the words tattooed there. "Do you know what's that?"

Young Yondu didn't reply. He only turned his gaze from the tattoo to Kraglin's face and once again on the tattoo. After a long moment of silence the Ravagers' first mate decided to speak up:

"That's my slave tattoo. I was once a slave. And this man," He turned to Old Yondu, before going back to his younger version. "liberated me. He gave me freedom, home and his friendship. And whole 'Eclector' is full of people who found their place with him." He pointed at the Ravagers' captain and gave Young Yondu melancholic look. "They wouldn't come with him, if he was a weakling or a coward. That's because you won't grow up to be either of those things."

Yondu felt odd, hearing those words. Yes, of course, he knew he wasn't weak. He tried to be strong for his men's sake. But actually hearing those words said by someone else made him feel strangely warm inside. Especially, because it was Kraglin, who was saying all those things. Yondu wondered if his first mate wasn't a reminiscence of his self-confidence; a figment of his imagination sent to fight off Young Yondu's accusations.

Either way, the little brat didn't seem to be convinced.

"He _is_ a coward. He didn't save our tribe." Young Yondu said those words with shaking voice. He even raised it, when looking at his older self and adding: "He let the Brotherhood of Badoon kill them!"

"Oh, yeah?!" Kraglin's voice became harsh too. "And what would you achieve by charging at the whole Badoon army by yourself?! Listen up, kid! They killed off more skilled and better equipped warriors than you! Do you really think that you would have a chance against even one of those reptilian bastards?!" His eyes softened. As did his tone: "You were just a kid. You couldn't prevent the whole army from attacking your tribe, let alone fight with them. It would be a suicide."

Funny thing. Through all those years, Yondu had never thought of it that way. Maybe it was somewhere in the back of his head, but he didn't let it get on the surface and he didn't let himself focus on this thought. Someone actually needed to tell him that fight with Brotherhood of Badoon would be futile. Only then he could actually realize that.

Yes, it would be suicide. He – the last of Zatoan tribe – would be killed off. He would never get his own ship, he would never form the Ravagers and he would never do all those things he did.

Still, the realization that he couldn't even fight with Badoon, made him even more sad. And when Yondu looked at his younger self, Young Yondu's anger quickly transformed into sorrow. He started to cry again and did something very strange. He threw himself on Kraglin and embraced him. The Ravagers' second in command hugged him back.

"It should be the day I'd become a man." The kid said, weeping into Kraglin's clothes. "I should celebrate it with my tribe. I thought, father will be proud of me, when I return with my prey. But when I came back from hunting, he was dead."

Kraglin didn't say anything. He only turned his sad gaze on Old Yondu, who was crying too. Then the Ravager lifted boy's chin and gave him a soft smile.

"I'm sure, your father would be very proud of you, Yondu. You will become a great man, just wait and see."

"No, no!" Young Yondu shook his head. "If I couldn't fight with Badoon, then I should at least die with my tribe."

Kraglin saddened.

"That would be very stupid." He replied.

The teenager broke the embrace and looked at Kraglin with teary eyes.

"But then I wouldn't be a disgrace!" He screamed. Another two streams went down his cheeks, when he added quietly: "Then I wouldn't be all alone."

This time Kraglin was the one, who pulled Young Yondu into a hug. The kid's words were actually heartbreaking to listen. Kraglin's captain and best friend was thinking all those things about himself. The Ravagers' first mate had to do something about it.

"The loneliness is only temporary, kid." He said. "One day you won't be alone. You will gather a crew that will go with you anywhere. A crew that will gladly fight for you. Besides," He looked Young Yondu in the eyes. "do you really think that your tribe would want you to be dead? Do you really think that your parents would want their only son to die? That the Zotoan wouldn't be happy, if at least one of them escaped the massacre?"

Another completely new perspective. Old Yondu looked around, his eyes jumping from one face to another. His people suddenly stopped to look emotionless; they stopped to be menacing. Their faces were filled, not with anger, not with sadness, but something alongside with grin. Their wounds were still visible, but Yondu could see that they were slowly disappearing. His parents came out of the circle and stood in front of him. They both kneeled and his mother actually touched his cheek, smiling to her son. Yondu wanted to be overwhelmed by her touch. To feel it once again. For the first time since that horrible day, he could see not anger, but love in the eyes of his parents.

But a sudden thought crossed his mind and not only his parents' expressions changed back to emotionless, but they also stood up and – alongside with other Centaurians – started to back away from Yondu, like he was leprous.

"No, they cannot be happy that I live." Young Yondu whimpered. "I didn't avenge them. I didn't even _try_ to avenge them."

Kraglin once again glanced at his captain. Yondu's sad form was still kneeling on the ground, surrounded by Zatoan tribe.

Vengeance. Maybe that was what Yondu needed to put his demons to the rest. Maybe his people will stop haunting him, when their murderers will be punished. Frankly, Kraglin sometimes wondered why Yondu didn't try to find the Brotherhood of Badoon, especially since many Ravagers expressed readiness to fight with those bastards. Probably Yondu thought that he shouldn't bring his crew into it, after all it was very personal matter. But Young Yondu (all in all, the reminiscence of Yondu's consciousness) admitted that he didn't even _try_ vengeance.

After a moment of silence Kraglin finally knew what to reply.

"Tell me: are you ready to avenge your tribe? Are you ready to find Badoon bastards and make them pay?"

Yondu thought about it for a moment. Yes, he was sometimes thinking about tracking Brotherhood of Badoon and kill them as they've killed his people… But at the same time there was always something holding him back. He wasn't sure what.

"I don't know." His teenage self replied to Kraglin's question.

The Ravager was silent for a few seconds, observing Young Yondu with sadness, and then he smiled.

"If you'll ever decide that you're ready, some guys will gladly come with you." He looked the boy in the eyes. "Like me, for example."

Yondu smiled. He never doubted that his first mate would help him with vengeance. However, for some reason him admitting it made the old Centaurian a bit more hopeful. It was good to know that, in case of bringing vengeance to Badoon, he had at least one ally.

His thoughts came back to the day of the massacre. And all of sudden revenge on his tribe's murderers didn't seem to be enough.

To Kraglin's surprise the boy hugged him even tighter.

"It's so unfair." Said Young Yondu, still crying. "Brotherhood of Badoon killed my people. They've spared no one, even children. They did this horrible thing and nobody even knows."

Kraglin saddened. It was kind of shocking how few people were aware of this massacre committed on Yondu's tribe. Kraglin could not know about Zatoan, because he spent most of his life as a slave and slaves were barely informed about things happening on the farer parts of the galaxy. But the fact that people who were regularly space travelling and hearing various rumors didn't know about it; hell, people whose job was connected with international politics didn't know about it… that was messed up. Because the galaxy forgot about a demise of a whole tribe. Nobody asked for justice, nobody was speaking for their rights. It was like Zatoan tribe never existed.

But…

"That's not entirely true, kid." Said Kraglin, breaking the embrace and looking into Young Yondu's tear eyes. "_I_ know what they did. All the Ravagers know what Badoon bastards did. You know," The first mate turned to Yondu. "and _he_ knows." Kraglin smiled to the boy. "If it's necessary, we will be talking about your tribe everywhere we go." He rested his hands on youngster's shoulders and gave him the most sincere look in the eyes. "Your tribe, kid, won't be forgotten. As long as somebody will be remembering them."

Yondu was listening to Kraglin's speech and felt how his spirit was uplifted. Once again he realized that he wasn't completely alone with his pain; that he could count on Kraglin, whatever he decided to do. Whenever he'd choose to fight with Badoon or seek justice through the whole galaxy, his first mate would be right beside him. And maybe even now Kraglin was going to help Yondu bury his tribe again.

Now, with new perspective on few things, Yondu felt a lot better. He stood up again, helping himself with the shovel, and looked at Kraglin, who suddenly realized that there was no Young Yondu anywhere. The tribe was gone too. Both Ravagers were standing in the middle of empty, devoid of corpses, village.

That was the moment, when they woke up.

* * *

Five minutes after the awakening Yondu and Kraglin still felt the aftermath of helmet's working – their necks ached, but not as much as their heads. Memorandus gave them some herbs that supposed to work like a painkillers, in the meantime he was talking with both men (mostly his patient, but from time to time he was also turning to Kraglin) about the therapy.

"As I informed mister Obfonteri," The psychologist went on with the explanation. "your younger self is a representation of your own thoughts and feelings. I assume that it took this form, because the massacre of Zatoan tribe was a turning moment of your life, mister Udonta."

"Well, I would figure this out on my own." Said Yondu.

But Memroandus didn't seem to be offended by this.

"I assume that this sixteen-year-old boy was displaying the same thoughts about this event that often come to your mind, mister Udonta."

"Well, yeah." Yondu agreed, although with uneasiness.

He still felt nervous about the fact that Memorandus, Kraglin and few of his men had seen what was in his head. It came out only after he was disconnected with the mind machine. He saw the expression of sadness and awkwardness on the faces of those of his crewmen, who were present on the "Memorandum". He kind of wondered if he made a mistake, agreeing on this whole procedure.

"I would like to point out that Teenage You didn't bring up the obvious facts," Memorandus raised his chin and said: "like, for example, that you wouldn't stand a chance in the battle with Brotherhood of Badoon, or that you are a prospering captain with your own crew. Usually there is always a part of patient's psyche that tries to defend him from its own accusations. Also, the patient himself tries to talk with his own psyche. If it doesn't happen, it's, of course, a sign of deep self-loathing and lack of certain perspective on oneself. Let me note, mister Udonta, that most of the time you remained passive. When patient is passive against the accusations of his psyche, he needs a better perspective. The patient needs someone, who knows them better than they know themselves. That's why," Memorandus smiled. "I give mister Obfonteri a proposition to be the 'guest'."

Yondu glanced at Kraglin, but didn't say anything. Meanwhile Memorandus continued:

"As I expected, your first mate brought up the right arguments. I hope you will remember them for the future."

"And that's all?" Asked Yondu, rising his eyebrows. "That's the whole therapy? I won't be haunted by my tribe, anymore?"

Memorandus saddened.

"I wish it would be so simple," He began. "but the recovery to mental health and peace of mind is never easy."

Yondu frowned.

"So you lied to me earlier? Should I show you how people, who lied to me, end, you little man?"

The psychologist remained calm.

"I didn't promised an immediate results. However, mister Udonta, do you remember the shovel that appeared in your hand at some point?"

The Centaurian wasn't amused, nevertheless, he replied:

"Yes."He blinked. "I thought I have to dig up the graves for my tribe. Again."

"That's right!" Memorandus exclaimed with enthusiasm and then got serious again. "This thought came to you for a reason. Even though, you've buried your tribe long time ago, you have to bury them again."

"What?" Yondu raised an eyebrow with surprise.

"Mister Udonta, the Zatoan tribe comes back to you, because you can't let go of their death. You have to bury them once and for all, in other words: accept what happened and move on."

"I should forget about them?" Asked the Ravagers' captain, sending the gray alien cold gaze.

The psychologist smiled.

"Mister Udonta, mister Obfonteri, do you know where the name of my starship originated from?" He paused and waited. When neither one of them said anything, Memorandus continued: "'Memorandum' is a word from ancient Terran language, Latin, and it means 'something which should be remembered'. My therapy's main goal is to make my patient realize important things that may help them recover." His smiled weakened and the psychologist proceeded: "I don't ask you, mister Udonta, do forget about your tribe. In fact, one of your fears is that you'll forget about your dead close ones. No, what you need to do, is remember what you've learned today: that you couldn't prevent the massacre of your friends and family; that you're not alone, that you can do many things to preserve the memory of the Zatoan and that you're not a disgrace to them."

Yondu wanted to disagree. After all, what this guy could know about what dead people did and didn't think about the living?

"If you remember all of those things, mister Udonta," Memorandus gave him a sympathetic look. "one day your tribe will rest in peace."


End file.
